Dear guy who says he likes “MILFs”…

Dear guy who says he likes “MILFs”…

Dating as a co-parent is hard. Dating as a single parent is near impossible. It’s pretty difficult to find a decent, funny, intelligent, witty bad boy yet sweetheart as it is…

THEN he also has to be good with kids and willing to stay at home most Friday and Saturday nights to just cuddle instead of going out barhopping.

He has to be patient and kind and willing to pick your kid up and take them to the park when you need an hour to yourself.

Dating a single mom is one of the most challenging, unselfish, rewarding things you could possibly do and it should never be taken lightly.

If you’re the kind of person who’s already planning dates around when SHE can get a babysitter…please, don’t waste HER time with asking her on a second date.

She needs MORE and her family deserves more.

If you’re never going to plan family dates or don’t see yourself having a child looking up to you, don’t waste her time.

Single mothers aren’t on the dating scene to pick up “cute” guys or overgrown frat boys.

If you don’t have the openness and selflessness to be a father figure to another man’s children or child… do not waste her time.

Think about what you’re getting into before you lead her on. Make sure you’re going into it not only wanting to form a bond with her but a bond with her kids.

I guarantee, the moment she sees that you’re in love with her but not in love with her family is the moment that she will walk away from you…forever.

Dating a “milf” is not always hot, it’s not something you brag about to your buddies. Choosing to date a single mom is a huge choice. Its a lifestyle change. Its a commitment.

Yes, we do look great for having kid(s) and yes, it is impressive and we are overjoyed that we don’t look like dumpy frumps but we are NOT looking for someone who thinks we are just a trophy.

Our life is hard and we have a 24/7 job that is of the utmost importance. Any man who hasn’t experienced that for themselves needs to consider this before attaching themselves to a single mom.

If your not ready to put on your big boy pants and step up to the challenge, don’t step into the messy, beautiful, unexpected, all consuming life of a single mom. Save us the heartache.

End rant.

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The Little Things

I used to open up to my first love about my depression. He would tell me to “Get over it.” He would say that “Depression isn’t real. You’re just making this shit up.” I felt so lonely and misunderstood…like he didn’t even try to get it. I let myself fall, I was going to marry this person, we were supposed to build a life together and he couldn’t even show me compassion during my struggles? What have I done? Why am I so defective? Why can’t I just be normal. Our whole relationship looked happy on the outside and I’m sure he thought everything was just peachy but the truth was I was sick of trying to be so fucking normal. I was sick of the way he expected me to act, the list of things I wasn’t supposed to say or do…I was done.

I trusted this man to be by my side, to love me unconditionally, to be my support through everything and he did everything a husband was supposed to do in his eyes but he didn’t give me what I needed.  He tried to change me. He tried to shape me and that’s just not fair…that’s not how love goes. You love, accept and cherish all the weird ass things a person is and you don’t try to change them. You at the very least attempt to understand where they’re coming from.

Loving the wrong man felt like like living in this eerily spacious, drafty loft in downtown NYC with concrete floors and no warm, cozy blankets or eccentric art on the wall. It felt like crawling out of bed at 2 am, unnoticed, and watching people live these crazy, passionate, uncensored lives freely and without judgement and knowing exactly where I belonged.

From the outside, no one saw my struggle. Everyone saw that he was loyal, trustworthy and stable. He was a good man…the kind of man you settle down with, build something with, marry.

The thing is though in order to build a true HOME you need more than just a solid foundation. 

What really makes a home feel like yours are the LITTLE THINGS. Telling a story about the darkest side of your past to your lover over a bottle of Pinot Grigio and then hearing the words “I know what that’s like”, having an inside joke that last months and makes you smile every single time it’s randomly brought up again in conversations, working together on something with someone and it just coming natural,  feeling their body pressed against yours after a long day and being perfectly content with life in that little moment.

In those moments of unhappiness during the first real relationship I had I didn’t know what I was searching for, what was missing, what my soul needed. All I knew was what we had wasn’t right for me & that’s okay. It’s okay to acknowledge that you made the wrong decision and it’s never too late to start a new journey. It may be scary to leave the “comforts” of a stable life or a routine with someone but this wise guy, Neale Donald Walsch, once said “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” You don’t know what you truly need until you start throwing away what you don’t and making that space for new things to come into your life. Take the risk.

The only way to begin a new journey…

Is to one day, simply, try to start. So, here I am…trying to begin. I have been striving to process my life as a single mother, a distant friend (because who can keep up well with friendships when you’re trying to just barely keep your own head above water) and a broken down exhausted human. Most days are a struggle but each one that I get through on my own, simply from my own motivation and self assurance, I find a little piece of the self that got lost during my three year long hurricane.

My thoughts, my feelings and my experiences have been, by my choice, locked in my mind for so many years. I have been terrified of letting anyone into what I have subjected myself to for the past three years particularly mostly because of how my abusers family would look at me after writing the uncensored truth about everything that happened between me and their son.

But I have decided that I have the power now… something that HE never wanted me to get a hold of… something he held so dear to him… like a precious gem. He kept the light that shimmered off of that gem, like a glimmer of hope, far out of my vision knowing that if I ever caught glimpse of that beautiful, alluring, shimmering gem of power and freedom I would know what I was missing and I would find a way to get out and never come back to the dark closet of self doubt he kept me in.

My hope in sharing my past of abuse, my present life as a struggling but happier than ever single mother and my vision of the future I see for myself is that it will help SOMEONE. I am also sharing this for me. My past is a PART of me – all the instability, the danger, the drama (which yes, I admit sometimes I fed in to.) My unstable, roller-coaster of a past and all the dark places I’ve found myself in makes me able to appreciate the stable and secure relationship that I’m in now. I prefer the calm, I crave the lulls and solitude of a healthy, secure life.
I now am very certain of everything I need out of life and I truly intend to seek it out wholeheartedly.

Everything surely does happen for a reason ,

even if the reason might be to simply be able to one day see the stars in the darkness.